Life in a secluded woodland cottage may look idyllic, but years of weather, deferred maintenance, and questionable original construction have taken their toll. Now, with deteriorating siding, aging windows, and little money for professional help, the Princess has begun an extensive renovation of her home without permits, formal training, or any clear indication that she knows when to stop.
With few marketable skills beyond being hot and maintaining an unusually strong relationship with woodland animals, the Princess found herself unable to afford the services of skilled contractors. Faced with few alternatives, she elected to perform the work herself after completing several intensive training sessions at YouTube University.
Her coursework reportedly included Window Replacement for People Who Have Already Removed the Old Window, Vinyl Siding: How Hard Could It Be?, and the popular advanced seminar Why Is There Water Back Here?
Sources familiar with the property say the cottage has not received a meaningful exterior renovation since well before the invention of housewrap. Several areas of the structure appeared to rely on materials, techniques, and optimism no longer recognized by modern building science.
The project began with the replacement of aging windows and siding, but, as is customary in residential renovation, removal of the first layer immediately revealed additional layers that were both older and more concerning.
The Princess has nevertheless continued the work herself, pausing occasionally to consult online videos, stare silently at exposed framing, and reconsider earlier decisions.
Project Update
Royal Assistance Arrives
Although the Princess initially undertook the renovation alone, she was later joined by the Prince, whose qualifications remain unclear but whose wardrobe suggests considerable confidence.
Project Update
The Contractor Gnomes Finally Clock In
The crew now operates as the contractor gnomes. Their union has classified the new title as a corporate restructuring and demanded another paid break. Management has confirmed that the faces, work clothes, and unresolved grievances remain unchanged.
Following an extended period of watching other people work, the seven gnomes have finally agreed to assist with the Princess’s renovation. One representative has been photographed at the window opening, providing the first documented evidence that the group’s involvement extends beyond offering advice.
Management welcomed the additional labor but declined to confirm whether mining experience translates to window installation. Questions about licenses, insurance, and who brought lunch remain under review.
Project Update · Interior Affairs
Woodland Labor Dispute Fails to Halt Painting
With the new windows installed, the Princess turned her attention to the interior, convincing the woodland animals to lend their paws to the trim work. A squirrel, a rabbit, a raccoon, and a bird promptly arrived, bringing enthusiasm, questionable brush technique, and absolutely no union credentials.
The gnomes objected to the arrival of the non-union critters and immediately began an extended break. Sources could neither confirm nor deny that the recess involved “illicit substances.” A spokesman insisted the group was merely “reviewing the grievance procedure” and declined to explain why that required so many snacks.
The Princess declined to intervene, noting that the animals had already completed more trim than the grievance committee. Management has initially classified the dispute as ongoing and the paint as still wet.
Local permitting authorities are believed to be unaware of the project, a condition the Princess reportedly considers essential to maintaining the current schedule.
Project Update · Interior Complete
Renovation Survives Nearly Hour-Long Strike
The Princess’s interior renovation is complete, thanks to the woodland critters, who continued lending their paws while the gnomes went on strike for nearly an hour. Their demands included higher pay and a more comprehensive medical benefits package, presumably covering repetitive pickaxe injuries and work-related grumpiness.
By the time the gnomes concluded their historic walkout, the animals had helped finish the room. Management praised the crew’s dedication and confirmed that payment in acorns had significantly reduced labor costs. The medical benefits proposal remains under review by a rabbit with no administrative experience.
The Princess has declared the project finished. This statement applies to the renovation only and should not be interpreted as a commitment to put away the laundry.
Latest Project Update · Exterior Affairs
Seven Contractor Gnomes Return to Finish One Crew’s Work
Following their nearly hour-long strike, all seven gnomes returned to address the final exterior details. The crew divided responsibility for trim, measurements, fastening, and cleanup with remarkable efficiency, possibly because every member bore an unexplained resemblance to The Prince.
Two gnomes carried a single piece of trim, one checked measurements, and another took charge of the offcuts. The remaining crew handled installation while maintaining that each task represented a separate pay classification. Management declined to comment on whether seven suspiciously similar employees qualified for a group medical plan.
The Prince was notably absent from the final push. Sources say he departed after tiring of the gnomes’ repeated commentary on his choice of workwear, including questions about whether his outfit came with matching safety slippers. The Prince described his exit as “a scheduling conflict.” The gnomes described it as “probably for the best; that cape was going to get caught in something.”
The back of the house is now complete. An actual photograph of the finished exterior has not yet been taken, so this reconstruction uses the last progress photo. Official documentary evidence will follow once The Prince remembers to go outside with his phone.
Management briefly suspended further updates pending photography, another project, or renewed collective bargaining. This proved optimistic.
Epilogue · International and Temporal Affairs
The Princess Takes a Vacation. Canada Takes the Heat.
After the work was finally completed, the Princess took a well-earned vacation to Niagara Falls. Unfortunately, she opted to travel through time to get there and somehow ended up in a post-apocalyptic world where Canada was on fire.
Sources say she selected the package because it promised to avoid traffic. The brochure did not specifically guarantee the continued existence of civilization. The Princess nevertheless described the trip as “still less stressful than dealing with the gnomes.”
Management has advised future travelers to check both the departure date and the arrival year. No refunds have been issued, although the travel agency has offered a credit toward a previous vacation.
Further photographic evidence of the Princess’s vacation is being collected in a separate vacation photo gallery, for readers who feel the written account has not adequately explained the situation. Additional pictures will be released as they arrive, which, given the method of travel, may have happened already. Management accepts no responsibility for discrepancies between the brochure and the apocalypse.
Further Developments · Meanwhile, Back at the Cottage
The Princess Leaves for the Weekend. The Gnomes Enter a New Era.
Before setting out on her ill-fated Niagara Falls vacation, the Princess left behind a peaceful woodland home, seven gnomes, and a garden full of helpful critters. Her instructions were simple: keep an eye on the place and try not to start another labor dispute.
Unfortunately, “a few days away” becomes difficult to enforce when time travel is involved. While the Princess investigated the unexpected combustion of Canada, the gnomes who stayed behind pursued a modest modernization program. The cottage acquired solar panels, illuminated pathways, and several systems nobody could remember how to turn off.
All seven retained their familiar faces, explaining that these were already on file with payroll. Their new robotic bodies offered improved durability and eliminated most medical expenses, although negotiations immediately resumed over battery replacement, lubrication, and whether charging counted as a paid break.
A DeLorean time machine now occupies the driveway. The gnomes insist it is essential for collecting the Princess, provided someone can establish which Niagara Falls she is currently visiting. Until then, it will be used for errands that should have been completed yesterday.